Choosing a Family

Choosing a Family

What a huge responsibility it is to choose parents for your child.  You must be wondering where do you start and how will you know that these parents or parent is going to be the right parent for your child.

Over the 25 years that I have worked in adoption, I have found that expectant parents are the best predictors of who will be the best parents for their child.  No one but you has more invested in your child.  When meeting hopeful adoptive parents, birth parents are able to pick out things with acute accuracy that gives them clues as to their parenting acceptability. Have confidence in yourself.  You will know automatically which is the best parent or parents for your child.

There also is an adoption structure that could help you narrow down your selections.  At ARCS, we provide you with the opportunity to see all the couples on our waiting list.  Remember that all of these couples have come to ARCS because we specialize in open adoption and only accept adoptive parents that are truly interested in having an ongoing relationship with you.

Look at their pictures and look at their brief bios and pick the couples that interest you the most.  Contact ARCS, and we will give you a password that will allow you to view more in-depth information about these couples.  Al of the couples on our waiting list have spent hours and hours developing a profile of themselves.  These profiles contain pictures and information about various aspects of their lives.

But viewing written information and seeing pictures of a couple often are not enough.  You may need to meet a few couples in person before you make a final choice.  When I have hired people to work at ARCS, I have never hired anybody just by looking at their resume.  As I am going to have a working relationship with this person, I feel that it is essential to meet with them and to interview them.

If you find the prospect overwhelming of interviewing several couples, at least interview one couple you have chosen before making a commitment to place your baby for adoption with them.  You may wonder how you go about interviewing several couples.  Have you heard of speed dating?  At ARCS, we have what we have speed adoption.  This is a process where you think of 3-5 questions that you would like to ask the couples.  An ARCS adoption worker will be with you at these brief interviews.  With you in the room, the adoption worker asks each couple your questions.  You have a chance to watch their reaction and listen to their answers.  If you want to ask them to clarify their answers, you certainly are encouraged to do so.  Usually these brief interviews are 10-15 minutes in length.  There is usually a 10-15 minute break and then you meet another couple.  Speed adoption usually lasts around 1 to 1 ½ hours.

Adoption workers will ask you what characteristics you would want your child’s adoptive parents to have.  This is a huge question.  Usually birth parents want couples that have a secure relationship, that are financially secure and that really are ready and want to parent a child.  But there are other things that you might want to consider:

  1. Education – is it important to you that they have a college or a university education?
  2. Religion – do you want the couple to have a specific religion or would you rather have a couple that are not involved with a church or religious affiliation?
  3. Would you want your child to be assured a sibling?  If so, you may want to consider adoptive parents who have already adopted or have had a biological child.  Or do you want this to be the couple’s 1st child?
  4. Interests – look at your interests.  Probably your child is going to have some of the interests you have or the baby’s father has.  Consider these interests and look for couples that may share interests that are the same as or similar to yours.
  5. Finances – Adoptive parents have to be financially secure in order to be approved as adoptive parents. However, their financial status does vary.
  6. Physical Appearance – Do you want the child to be placed with a family that looks similar to you or the child’s birth family members?
  7. Lifestyle – Is it important to you that the couple not smoke or be physically fit?  Some birth parents are vegetarians.  Is this important to you?
  8. Childcare plan – Adoptive parents are allowed a 37-week parental leave of absence.  Would this be sufficient or would you prefer a couple that could take a longer leave of absence or a couple where, perhaps, one of the parents could work time or be a full time caregiver?
  9. Marital Relationship – Is it important that the couple be married or would you accept a couple that are common-law? Would you accept a same-sex couple?  Would you accept a man or a woman who is single but want sot be a parent?
  10. Languages – Is it important that the couple speak more than one language or speak the languages of Canada (English and French)
  11. Ethnic and Racial Background – Is it important to you for the couple to have a racial or ethnic background similar to you and the baby’s father?

Above all, it is important for you to look at what kind of relationship the adoptive parents hope to have with you and you hope to have with them.

There may be some criteria that are important to you.  For example, for some birth parents, it is important for them to have a couple that live in your area.  For others, it is important to have a couple that do not live in their area.  Some birth parents prefer a couple that would be considered liberal in their religious and political views.  Other birth parents prefer parents that would be more conservative in their lifestyle.  Discipline is often an issue that comes up with birth parents.  How a child is disciplined may be very important to you.  Extended family connections are also an issue that come up with birth parents.  Is it important for your mother or your father to be also actively involved in the child’s life?  Are you seeking a couple where your parents will be welcomed as grandparents for this child?  These are some things for you to consider.  It is important for you to think these things through and to look for couples that meet your criteria.  However, sometimes when you meet a couple or learn more about a particular couple, some of these items will be less important to you because you just know that this is the right couple.  I believe in following your intuition, as well.  Good luck and believe in yourself when choosing parents for your child.